Dear Nosey Parker
by Madame Apathy
Summary: Gloria Jackson's diary, detailing the events of her first year at Bullworth Academy. I wrote this because last time I checked, no one had wrote about her. Rated T for growing pains.
1. So here I am

I'm currently reworking this particular story, so if anyone has a favourite mission they'd like mentioning, let me know.

**Chapter 1- So here I am.**

**20th September 2008**

**5pm**

Dear Nosey Parker(yes, I'm talking to you),

_New Dresses: about 47._  
_Dresses I will actually wear because they are not ill-fitting/inapproprite/a hideous shade of magenta: about 5._  
_New diaries received for birthday last week: 5 thanks to unimaginative relatives._  
_Going away things my mother has given me: new pens, new sketchbook, about 47 vile dresses(I don't care if magenta is in at the minute!), a box of scary looking cotton things which I have no idea of how to use or what to use for them(Mental note: ask Bo what 'tampax' are), Big Book of Oscar Wilde quotes(my mother does know me!) and various textbooks ._

So here I am; twelve years old, in my new, scratchy school uniform, writing in my new diary to any nosey parker choosing to read it(if you are reading this, you are the aforementioned nosey parker) and joining my cousins at Bullworth Academy. Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of the next five years. Unfortunately, from what my cousins have told me, that means that tomorrow will be my first day in the third circle of Hell. According to them- both of whom are hardened veterans of Bullworth- the place is a mess in which the intelligent are wedgied and the clique heirarchy is ruled by hypocrites, perverts, tyrants... and cheerleaders. They have also told me that unless I "toughen up", my years at the school will consist of nothing but agony, humiliation and food poisioning.

However, there are a few advantages to becoming part of this particular student body because, according to Bo, I won't get beaten up for these reasons:

_Reasons that I, Gloria Jackson, will hopefully not get beaten up in Bullworth Academy._

_1. I am Bo Jackson's cousin, which apparently means that I will become a jock despite puny arms, braininess and regard for personal safety._

_2. I am a girl(apparently that makes a difference in Bullworth)._

_3. Aunt Carol made Bo promise to keep a close eye on me._

_4. Aunt Carol threatened to destroy Bo's collection of signed football shirts if the aforementioned promise is not honoured._

_5. Just in case it wasn't honoured, Aunt Carol insisted he taught me basic fighting moves, one of which I believe he said was known as "The Nutcracker". He refused to tell me why._

_6. Bullworth has a strict no bullying policy._

**5.05pm**

I've just seen a small boy get shoved head first into a garbage can. Maybe I should cross out number 6.

**7pm**

I have just been introduced to my new roommates.

The other first year is a blond sports junkie called Karen Johnson. She greeted me with the words "Yay, I'm not the only girl here!" before hugging me(of the three people present, I was the only person who found this slightly odd). She then explained that Bullworth is a remarkably exclusive school- so exclusive in fact, that this year only four children fit up to high standards. The other boy's mother helped launch a clothing range called Blueberry a few years back so he got in that way- Something De La Hoya, I think.

The second girl was about three years older and one and a half feet taller than me with shiny blonde hair and a slim figure. Unfortunately, the bright green dress and cold sores hid any prettiness. "Salutations," she smiled, giving me the tiniest wave before dropping down onto a bed with a chemistry textbook. "What's your name?"  
"Gloria,"  
"I'm Beatrice. So what are you called?" she asked, turning to Karen.  
"Karen. Why have we got a spare bed?" Houston, we have a ditz.  
"We don't. It's four girls to every room, so it's you two, me... and Mandy," Beatrice frowned like a dentist who'd had someone with halitosis burp in their face at the name of the fourth girl. Perhaps they don't get along?

**7.12pm**

Mandy made a grand entrance a few minutes ago- or, at least, I certainly hope the brunette cheerleader was Mandy as opposed to some random axe murderer who ran into our room and briefly acknowledged us by looking at me and saying "I've got my work cut out. What's your name?"  
"Gloria Jackson," Her eyes widened slightly at this.  
"Jackson as in, like, Bo Jackson?" No, as in Michael Jackson. I'm his illegitimate child.  
"He's my cousin," She sighed happily at this "Cool- I'll have to introduce you to some of the girls on the squad,"  
"There's a girl's sports team here?" Karen exclaimed, eyes wide as her smile .  
"Nope, kiddo," Mandy smiled with that bemused expression people give you if you're a bit simple."There's a cherleading squad, though. Perhaps you two might join up next year?"  
"Next year?" Karen deflated like a balloon that someone had jumped up and down on.  
"Well, I could always show you guys a few moves, help you get a routine going," she offered, glancing at the clock. "Crap- I'm late for cheerleading practice. Metalmouth, I need that homework done by the time I get back- or else," Beatrice nodded. Twirling around with a dancer's grace, the the cheerleader ran out of the room, although not before jabbing Beatrice in the shoulder.

On purpose.

For no particular reason.

I should definitely cross out number five.


	2. Nausea and a New Kid

Nausea and a New Kid

**28th September 2008**

Dear Nosey Parker,

Staff met: All.  
Staff I liked: Mr Galloway(tea loving english teacher), Dr Watts, Dr Slawter(could that name be more appropriate for a biology teacher?), Ms Phillips, Neil, Mr Matthews, Miss Peters, Mr Wiggins, Mrs Peabody(saved me from having to witness Mandy and Ted sucking each others face's off- I cannot comprehend what either of them get out of that)  
Staff I dislike: Mr Hattrick, Mr Burton(I don't think I need to explain this past the words 'dirty old man'), Miss Danvers(  
Staff I honestly couldn't care less about : Dr Crabblesnitch , Mr Luntz , Nurse McRae , Edna (mental note - do not eat cooked meal from Bullworth again. Ever)  
Classes I am taking: 12 Classes I enjoy : 11 (forced to learn how to cheerlead in ridiculous costume unsuitable for a 12 year old. Lost a fair bit of dignity)  
To do : find out what the tampax are for (Bo won't tell me), find some poor idiot who'll fit into hideous dresses so I won't have to.  
Friends made at new school:4 (not including the rat or Mr Wiggins)

**10am**

We have a new boy in the school.

From what I have heard from Karen, Jimmy Hopkins is fifteen years old with no hair, no manners and no idea how to tuck a shirt in. He has also been expelled several times and his mum is away on her thirty-seventh honeymoon. He seems to have attention issues, the face only a blind person could love and a questionable temperament.

According to these observations, he'll fit in perfectly.

**10.05am**

Have just witnessed the new kid kissing Eunice Pound. Have yet to decide who I feel worst for.

**10.10am**

_People I feel the worst for in order of least to most._

_Jimmy - Kissed Eunice_

_Eunice - Kissed Jimmy_

_Me - Witnessed Jimmy kissing Eunice ._

**12pm**

Finished english about an hour ago. Mr Galloway let me go early .He is a lovely man, if not a bit strange- I've never seen any drink tea from a bottle wrapped in paper before... I hope it was tea .

**3pm**

Just finished advanced Biology, which I was allowed into because I scored 100% on the last test with 30 minutes to go- it was a 35 minute test(yes, I know I'm a swot). Had to dissect a frog. Also saw Mandy and Ted kissing with more enthusiasm than should be allowed in public, particularly whilst cutting a dead amphibian open with 14 other people watching. Nearly projectile vomited. I'll leave you to decide which of the events mentioned was the cause of this.

Just found a white rat in our dorm. Mandy is terrified of it. It is a very cute animal. I may keep him- there's something lovely about the cries of horror he evokes from Mandy.

**30th September**

Dear Nosey Parker,

Mental notes made offering sensible advice about Edna's cooking: 1 Mental notes offering sensible advice about Edna's which I actually noted and used sensible advice from(well that was a stunning use of vocabulary): 0

**12 .02pm**

Just sat down for a nice, freshly cooked meal.

**12 .45pm**

Just finished throwing up nice, freshly cooked meal that was a) not nice and b) not freshly cooked.

**5pm**

Still feel awful. Going to see Nurse McRae about nausea. I may ask about the Tampax too, while I'm there. When I tried to ask Bo he pretended not to hear me and Mrs Peabody was no help- something about boys trying to steal my soul so don't let them touch me or I will get pregnant and die.

**9.12pm**

Nurse McRae, having given me the most awkward talk ever, has insisted I stay in bed for until I feel better. Brilliant! I shall lay back and read my Oscar Wilde books.

**5th October**

I now know my Oscar Wilde book by heart .So bloody bored that I'm even missing Gym classes. Good God, I really am sick.


	3. Pedro and Pumpkins

Pedro and Pumpkins

**6th October**

Dear Nosey Parker,

_Dresses I have succeeded in shifting: 5(apparently Karen loves magenta.)_  
_Dresses still needed to shift: Lots._  
_Names I am considering for the rat: Oscar, Quentin, Crisp and Wilde. He looks like a Quentin, I think._

**10am**

So glad Iim out of sick bay- I was even starting to miss Gym(I was very sick)!

**12pm**

Just had Gym. Starting to miss sick bay.

**1pm**

Just bumped into a twelve year old boy as he ran screaming from the bathroom, just behind Eunice Pound. He wouldn't tell me why, but I found out his name(Pedro De La Hoya) and that his mother helped launch Aquaberry. He's also asked if he can sit with me for dinner tomorrow. I might introduce him to Karen.

**7th October**

**3pm**

Sat with Pedro at dinner. Brought Karen over with me, and another two kids came and sat with us, introducing themselves as Melody and Sheldon.

Melody struck me as nice. We have lots in common(she wants classes seven days a week too!). When she came over, she had this lovely smile on her face. Then she dropped her tray, screamed "Son of a *****!" and went to get Mr. Luntz. He spent the rest of the day muttering- something about taking over the world.

_Topics of conversation_

_Pedro's mother.  
Pedro's mother's job.  
Aquaberry.  
Clothing in general.  
Leather jackets.  
Greasers.  
Bikes.  
Who was the best bmx bike rider in school(Karen insists it's Johnny Vincent, who I am led to believe is the leader of the greasers)  
Johnny Vincent's hair.  
Johnny Vincent's "Big, expressive, puppy dog eyes,"(Karen's words, not mine).  
Johnny Vincent iin general._  
_Johnny Vincent's girlfriend, Lola Lombardi(who walked over five minutes into this topic to speak to Melody for about twenty seconds just at the moment Pedro declared that she was a "slut", so we changed the topic randomly to prevent hospitalisation)_  
_Home.  
Pedro's mother.  
Food.  
Edna's cooking.  
My time in the sick bay as a direct result of Edna's cooking.  
Home cooking.  
Pedro's mother (what can I say? He's a bit of a momma's boy)._  
_Clothing.  
Leather Jackets or Aquaberry: what's better?(this resulted in a heated debate between Melody, who is apparently sharing a room with Lola,and Pedro)_  
_Pedro's mother.  
My cousins (Bo and Lance)._  
_Sports (yawn)._  
_The boy who shoved Pedro in the bins the other day (Hopkins)._  
_Jimmy Hopkins.  
Melody's attraction to bad boys (please kill me)._  
_Boys in general.  
My misfortune at witnessing Jimmy kissing the face off Eunice.  
Projectile Vomit.  
Sheldon mentioning that Edna's cooking looks like projectile vomit._  
_The slow realsiation that it does._  
_Resolving to eat only fruits from not onwards unless desperate or suicidal._  
_Pedro's mother._

At this rate of conversation, I predict we will discover the meaning of life by Thursday.

**8th October**

**12.12pm**

Sat with Pedro, Melody, Karen and Sheldon. Talked about Halloween, for which we each get a pumpkin to decorate. Discussed costumes- long story short, I have managed to get rid of all the hideous dresses cluttering up the shared wardrobe.

_Costume ideas_

_Witch._  
_Mummy._  
_Skeleton._

12. 14pm

Pedro just told me what his costume is. One idea gone.

12.23pm

Just heard Angie say she's dressing up as a witch. Oh well, I still have one idea.

12.24pm

The resident lunatic Gary is carrying something to the boys dorm that looks suspiciously like a skeleton costume. Damn. Now I need to think of something else, which is impossible while Edna's cackling and coughing away... now there's a thought.

**31st October**

**7pm**

Have just put on my costume . Let the games begin .

**7.01pm**

Have just seen a boy outside wearing an Edna mask. Perfect.

**7.03pm**

Have taken costume off. I'll just wander around and say I came as a homicidal maniac- they look just like everyone else.

**7.10pm**

Just witnessed Hopkins put a "Kick me" sign on an ape of a boy who I think is called Russell . I expect there will be at least three students killed after obeying the sign .

**9pm**

I'm finding it very difficult to sleep with the fire alarm blaring from the main building


	4. Fights and Fireworks

Disclaimer : I don't own any of these characters or Bully .

Fights and Fireworks

**4th November**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

_Awkward conversations with my mother: 1.  
Magenta dresses cluttering up the wardrobe: 5( Mental note: if you want to get something out of your room, don't give it to a roomate)._  
_Name of rat: Quentin.  
New words I have learned from watching Beatrice and Mandy converse: 53.  
New words I have learned from watching Beatrice and Mandy convers that I could use in polite conversation: 2.  
Times I have heard the expression 'PMS' in the time I have been living in the dorms : 43(I still have no idea what it means. Karen thinks it means 'Pass me sweets' because every time someone says it, they get a bar of chocolate from someone.)_

**12pm**

Pedro has asked me to go to a firework display with him in Old Bullworth tomorrow. I've agreed. For some reason , he's now wandering the school with a stange smile on his face. I hope he's not coming down with something.

**12.12pm**

Sheldon has just asked if Miss Danvers likes fireworks. Save Crabblesnitch, I'm not sure she likes anything.

**5th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**4pm**

Getting ready for firework display. Have used some of Mandy's spot cream. What she doesn't know, she can't hurt me for.

**9pm**

Just got back from the firework display. For some reason, Pedro kept grabbing my hand. Unfortunately, I was holding a sparkler at one of those times, so Nurse McRae has just finished bandaging him up.

**9th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**8am**

Beatrice looks really miserable. Apparently, if she doesn't get her notes back from Mandy then she'll be working in a book shop by the time she's thirty because all she'll have is a master's degree from a liberal arts college!

**12pm**

So glad to be out of Gym- all you can smell in the girl's changing room is stink bombs and vomit. I'd best go tell Mandy she's left her locker open .

**4pm**

Just got back to the dorm. Beatrice is acting strangely- she's just humming, smiling and scribbling down her chemistry notes. When I looked over her shoulder, I noticed the words "Beatrice and Jimmy" in the corner of the page, surrounded by a heart. Is no woman safe from that boy?

Mandy, on the other hand, looked ill when I saw her to let her know about her locker. I hope she's ok.

**10th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

Phoned Mum. Asked why she didn't tell me what the tampons were for . She said she thought I'd figure it out on my own. How stupid can a person be? Would she let me drive the car without lessons because I'd pick it up eventually? I think not!

**12th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**5pm**

Beatrice is in a frighteningly good mood. She is also using tremendous amounts of spot treatments. I have a feeling Hopkins is at the bottom of this.

**13th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**3.14pm**

Just saw Jimmy kissing Eunice. I'm off to go scrub my eyes with some wire wool.

**15th November**

Money spent gambling: $5 Money won gambling: $10 Money lost gambling: $5 Note on gambling: Only gamble with Pedro - the other first years are good at it.

**10am**

Melody has informed me that there is a fight in the Hole today in a few hours. I will not attend as fighting is primitive and uncivilised.

**3pm**

At the Hole. Pedro bet me $10 that Hopkins would get knocked within 2 minutes. I bet Pedro $3 he wouldn't get knocked out within 5 minutes, but he wouldn't win (seemed a safe bet - have you seen Russell? He looks like a bald gorilla on steroids!). Sheldon bet me $5 that Hopkins would win. Ha!

**3.02pm**

I am the proud winner of $10!

**3.15pm**

Have just lost $5 to Sheldon. I don't want to talk about it .

**3.17pm**

Hopkins seems very hurt that Gary has turned on him. You'd think the scar would be a clue.

**3.18pm**

Hopkins has stated that he said nothing about Russell's mother. What was he meant to have said?

**3.19pm**

Asked Melody what Hopkins said about Russell's mother . She says it had something to do with barnyard animals ... I suddenly don't want to know.

**3.20pm**

Pedro has stated he wants to learn how to box. Realised he was serious just before I burst out laughing. I think I ought to get some first aid books from the library.

**16th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**11pm**

Me and Sheldon have just yanked Pedro out of a bin. He may need the boxing lessons. Karen tells me that the boys learn wrestling in 4th year , which is a mystery to me. Why can't they learn this in first year when they damn well need it ?


	5. Sleepovers and Scary Contraptions

Sleepovers and Scary Contraptions

**20th November**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

_Days until my birthday: 2._  
_People sleeping in our dorm tonight: 6._  
_Beds in dorm: 4 (quite a predicament)._  
_People lucky enough to be temporarily excused from the dorm: Beatrice ._  
_Scary aesthetics contraptions Mandy has prepared for tonight: 354(I counted)._  
_Scary contraptions that I can name: 3 ._  
_Scary contraptions I think I may know the use of: 5 ._  
_Scary contraptions I hope I shall never need to use: 16 ._  
_Scary contraptions I believe may in fact be weapons of mass destruction: 46._

**4pm**

Met someone new in the library today. His name is Constantinos Brackus. Strikes me as a bit gloomy. Had long conversation about the following

_Topics of conversation _

_Death._  
_Earnest Hemingway. _  
_My English Project. _  
_English. _  
_Mr Galloway. _  
_Mr Galloway's love of "Tea"._  
_How Constantinos saw Ms(not Miss) Phillips giving the Hobo Mr Galloway's "Tea"._  
_The Hobo. _  
_How old is the Hobo?_  
_Death._  
_Our ages. _  
_Our birthdays (his is in August). _

Karen found me a few minutes later and spent the walk back to the dorms torturing me about my "boyfriend". In desperation, I told her I'd seen her looking wistfully at Johnny Vincent(I didn't). She changed the suject immediately.

**7pm**

Mandy has invited the cheer-leading squad to sleep over. I am led to believe that the red-haired girl, Christy, is the major source of school gossip(see: lies) at Bullworth. The girl wearing Aquaberry introduced herself as Pinky(the upper class are useless at picking names for their children). The other girl is called Angie, but she doesn't say much, unless 'um' qualifies as a word.

Beatrice is staying with Eunice for the night to make some room for the cheer-leaders. I hope neither of of them bring up Jimmy or we may have a catfight on our hands .

**7.10pm**

Pinky has just told the cheer-leaders that Hopkins got her some decent seats at the pictures. She also mentioned she has a date with Derby for the carnival later.

I have learnt the following about Derby:

_Things I have learnt about Derby Harrington  
_  
_He is engaged to Pinky._  
_He is Pinky's cousin(yuk)._  
_Marrying cousins is a tradition for the Harrigtons and the Gauthiers (is that even legal?)._  
_He boxes(Pedro may be interested)._  
_Pinky doesn't like him much(I predict a divorce in the near future)._

**8pm**

Christy has braided my hair.

**8.14pm**

Pinky has taken the braids out and put curlers in. They are remarkably uncomfortable.

**8. 16pm**

Karen has taken the curlers out. She is now my favourite person in the world.

**8.24pm**

I can hear screaming next door. Someone brought Hopkins up.

**8.30pm**

Mandy has just plastered make up on my face... I feel violated.

**8.59pm**

One of the boys has just thrown an egg at our window. Karen has decided to declare war on the boys.

**21st November **

Dear Nosey Parker,

_Rumours heard last night: 11._  
_Rumours that were believable: 0._  
_Times someone tried to style mine or Karen's hair last night: 43._  
_Times someone put make up on me or Karen: 13._  
_Times Christy had to get Karen in a headlock to acheive this: 3._  
_Times Pinky tried to get Karen in a headlock and couldn't, so decided to put make up on me instead: 4._  
_Times cheer-leaders altered mine and Karen's appearance in every possible manner short of re-dressing us like dolls: about 141._  
_Times cheer-leaders actually tried to re-dress us in like dolls: 2._  
_Amount of counselling me and Karen will need to recover from last night: Lots._  
_Amount of time spent removing make-up this morning: 45 minutes(each). _

**12pm **

Melody tells us that Beatrice mentioned Hopkins last night- apparently, Lola had to physically restrain Eunice. Karen is still fuming about the girl's dorm being egged.  
Melody mentioned that she heard Christy say to Angie that Mandy told her that Pinky told her that Derby heard from Gord that Hopkins egged Tad Spencer's house a few nights ago... I was confused too.

1.15pm

Just saw Hopkins running through the corridor with a box of chocolates. Ran to Art so I wouldn't have to witness him and Eunice having a snog-fest.

22nd November

Dear Nosey Parker,

10pm

I am thirteen years old today. Karen alerted me to this by jumping one top of my bed(with me still in it) and shoving a present in my semi-awake face.

Got the following:

_Presents I got _

_Mum: A book called "Making it from 12 to 20" (telling me the awkward stuff, so she doesn't have to)._  
_Dad: A necklace._  
_Bo: $5._  
_Lance: $5._  
_Beatrice: Chocolates(always a safe bet)._  
_Mandy: Curlers which serve as a reminder of the sleepover(I may kill her later)._  
_Karen: A teddy(Aww)._  
_Melody: An identical teddy._  
_Sheldon: A teddy(I'm sensing a pattern here)._  
_Pedro: An Aquaberry dress, courtesy if his mother(I shall put it in its rightful place at the back of the wardrobe, along with the hideous magenta dresses)._  
_Anonymous Person: Chocolates in my locker. _

I wonder who put the chocolates in my locker... Dear God , I hope they aren't from Hopkins.

**11.32am **

Just finished English. I overheard Edna say that he and Hattrick are "at it again!" before coughing into the pan stew surprise, which I could almost swear had a collar poking out of it.

**12pm **

Pedro just told us that someone egged the boys dorm yesterday afternoon. Karen seems strangely delighted by this. Had a long conversation about eggings and the best way to throw an egg. Apparently, it's all in the wrist.

**4.15pm **

Pinky just came into the dorm to tell Mandy about her date with Hopkins at the Carnival. That boy is quickly becoming the school bike- I saw him kiss Angie and Eunice on the way to the dorm. The whole thing mystifies me- if I was going to kiss someone, I'd pick someone attractive. Trevor Moore in fourth year, for example.

**5pm **

I can't take hearing Pinky talk about Hopkins' mouth any more- I'm going to town with Karen.

**5.10pm **

Bumped into Pedro. He told us he has registered at the Glass Jaw Boxing Club to learn boxing. He couldn't have a lesson tonight because there was a fight between Hopkins and Bif Taylor, second in command to Derby Harrington. Me, Pedro and Karen have bet on the winner.

**24th November **

Dear Nosey Parker,

I have to stop gambling- I'm running out of pocket money. At this rate I'll have no money for important things like chocolates or books.

**1st December **

Dear Nosey Parker,

The yuletide season is upon us. Bring on the terrible, cheesy music and the awful presents.

_Christmas Present List _

_Mum(chocolate)_  
_Dad(chocolate)_  
_Karen (some form of sports memorabilia)_  
_Sheldon (pencilcase)_  
_Melody (chocolate?)_  
_Pedro (book on boxing)_  
_Beatrice (chocolates)_  
_Mandy(chocolates) _

That should be simple enough.

**2nd December **

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm **

Karen has gone mental; she's taken to humming carols in public, randomly hugging people and even smiled at Mr Burton. And he smiled back! That can't be natural.

**3pm **

Just witnessed Shedon reading "A Christmas Carol" in the library. The christmas spirit is spreading like the flu.

**3.13pm **

When I sat down by Constantinos in rthe library and found that, to my horror, he was wearing a santa hat. Has the christmas spirit infected everyone?

**3rd December **

Dear Nosey Parker,

**5pm **

Out shopping with Karen and Melody. We have just seen Lola Lombardi kissing a prep boy. Melody has sworn us to secrecy about her roomate. Also noticed Hopkins walking behind them with a camera(pervert), which leads me to believe that being sworn to secrecy was a bit pointless.


	6. Multiuse toothpicks and Mentorbuddies

Warning: Some parodying of "Twilight".

Multi-use-toothpicks and Mentor-buddy-thingies

**5th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

_Christmas presents bought: 1 book on boxing for Pedro (sale on at library), teddy wearing a little football kit for Karen (bought from boy who won it at the carnival for his girlfriend. His girlfriend then dumped him. Unlucky)._  
_People I have witnessed kissing Jimmy Hopkins: 3 (Can't we buy him a muzzle?)_  
_Days until next sleepover: 12 (I intend to be in sick bay that night. So does Karen. We've agreed to try and get flu.)_

**12pm**

Pinky and Jimmy are kissing in a fashion that shouldn't be allowed in front of first years. Edna's food has never been less appetising.

**12.02pm**

Jimmy is kissing Christy. Someone murder me. Please? I'll pay you.

**12.03pm**

Pinky has just punched Christy in the face. She is an example to us all and for that, I won't struggle if she attempts to curl my hair at the sleepover... well , not as much. Although I will jump out the window if she finds the Aquaberry in my wardrobe. Dear God, I hope she doesn't find the Aquaberry...

**1pm**

Johnny has very publicly dumped Lola. It's her own fault if you ask me.

**4pm**

Pinky is in our room, crying on Mandy's shoulder about (and I quote) "that red-haired hussy!". Beatrice gave her some tissues, so their attention turned to her. She's nice to you, so you pick on her. I do detect a flaw in your logic, Pinky.

**6th November**

**8am**

Saw a note on the bulletin board about a lost pet rat. Beatrice is taking Quentin back for me. I shall miss his little face and Mandy's screams.

**10am**

Dear Nosey Parker,

I told Melody about the sleepover ordeal. Consequently , she spent the rest of English counselling me. She also offered to kill me before the next sleepover. I said no, but it's the thought that counts.

**12pm**

Lola seems to have taken Melody under her wing a bit and turned into a mentor-buddy-thingy. She came over and mentor-buddy-thingyed(what a stunning use of vocabulary) for a good ten minutes at dinner, checking she was ok and things. Pedro muttered something unkind afterwards, so Melody threw a spoon at him. Her mother would be so proud.

**7th November**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm**

I take it back. Every mean, nasty thing I've said about Lola Lombardi, I am taking it back. Once Melody told her that Pinky was staying in our room, she insisted we stayed with her an Melody in their room, as Pinky and Angie will be in ours.

Christy was uninvited, so she's sharing with Eugine and Beatrice in the other room. Three girls... with the same boyfriend... in a room... unsupervised for a full night. I wonder which girl will be alive in the morning.

In other news , I'm going shopping with Karen for presents tomorrow.

_Christmas Present List_

_Karen (done)._  
_Pedro (done)._  
_Sheldon.  
Beatrice.  
Mandy.  
Melody.  
Bo.  
Lance.  
Emergency present (a habit I picked up from Mum)._

**8th November**

**4pm**

Just seen a little girl who looks exactly like Karen over the road getting a photo taken with Santa Claus, which is worrying on two counts; firstly that Karen is next to me opposite the little girl and secondly that there is also a Pedro-lookalike.

**8pm**

Just back home from the shops of fat women workers making me feel guilty for not buying a multi-use toothpick.

_Presents I've bought_

_Teddy (Melody)_  
_Chocolates (Sheldon)_  
_Lip gloss (Mandy - just in case 405 scary contraptions aren't enough)_  
_Lip gloss (Beatrice - because 2 scary contraptions probably isn't enough)_  
_Cards (Bo and Lance - I'll put $5 in each)_  
_Chocolates (Mum)_  
_Chocolates (Dad)_  
_Chocolates (Emergency present - I'm not very imaginative with presents)_

Karen bought a young adult vampire romance novel called "Dawn" by Sarah Miller. She won't let me see what else she bought.

**17th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**7pm**

In Lola and Melody's room. A prep boy has just been at our window with chocolates. She gave him a kiss from the window and gave us the chocolates so she doesn't get fat. I'm starting to warm to that woman.

**7.16pm**

Lola let us try her heels on. I don't know how she walks in those things. Carefully, I'm guessing .

**7.20pm**

Karen was teasing me about Const or as she calls him, my "boyfriend". On hearing this, Lola gave me the following relationship advice:

_"Men are like dogs- if you don't tell them when they do wrong and reward them when they do well, they'll spend the rest of their lives peeing on your furniture and yapping angrily for no reason."_

Her words, not mine.

**7.55pm**

Lola told us about the preps. If she doesn't like them, why does she date them?

**8.45pm**

Lola hasn't got any of us in a headlock for make-up. She did, however, put lip gloss on all of us and tell us about boys. Apparently they're only out for one thing, but she won't say what.

**10pm**

Yet another boy came to the window, but this time it was Johnny. They have officially made up, judging from the mindless window kissing they're doing. With each other, of course, not the window.

**11pm**

Just heard screaming next door. I think one of the girls must have mentioned Jimmy.

**18th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**9am**

The sleepover was considerably more enjoyable this time. Christy, Eunice and Beatrice are all still alive, which is shocking.

**12pm**

Karen has taken Lola's advice to heart- she just gave Sheldon a chocolate for getting her books for her.

**3pm**

Karen took Lola too literally. When Sheldon dropped an apple core on the floor, she squirted him with a water gun. However, it worked. This gives me an idea...

**4pm**

Mental note: next time Jimmy kisses a girl in front of you, DON'T squirt him with a water pistol and scream "No ! Bad Jimmy !".

**22nd December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**8am**

Karen has lent me "Dawn". On the back it says "Josh had a secret. He was a vampire". Smart move, Miller- tell the reader what the big secret is before they even open the bloody book.

**23rd December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**10am**

Just finished reading "Dawn". The purple prose is ridiculous and the main romance seems a bit creepy.

**12pm**

Bumped into Cost in the playground. Talked about "Dawn". He said the purple prose is ridiculous and the main romance seems a bit creepy. I believe I have found a true friend. He also gave me a little, wrapped box for Christmas. Thank God I bought the emergency present.

**3pm**

Found Const and gave him the chocolates. He seems very pleased by this.

**25th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**9am**

Karen woke me up by whacking me with a pillow, hugging me and yanking me out of bed, which tells me it is Christmas. We each got the following:

_Me_

_Jeans(Mum)._  
_Bracelet(Dad)._  
_Teddy with a little jumper and little teeny glasses(Karen - I shall name him Hamlet)._  
_Aquaberry dress(Pedro , from his mother's collection for friends. I shall wear it today in case I see him, and then it shall be put in its rightful place at the back of the wardrobe never to see daylight again)._  
_Make-up(Mandy- maybe I can stay with Melody until she forgets about it and stops trying to get me in a headlock)_  
_Necklace(Const - aww)_  
_$20(Bo and Lance)_

_Karen_

_Teddy with a footbal kit on(Me- she has named him Ronaldo)_  
_Chocolates(Melody)_  
_Chocolates(Sheldon - she has trained him well)_  
_Aquaberry skirt(Pedro - She has asked me to kill her if pinky finds it)_  
_Curlers(Mandy - I'm not even going to comment)_  
_$25(Parents)_  
_"Early Light"- sequel to dawn (Beatrice)_

_Beatrice_

_Lip gloss(Me)_  
_Eyeshadow(Karen)_  
_Red lacy underwear(Mandy - Beatrice's horrified expression leads me to believe this is not normal)_  
_Various books(Friends)_  
_Very pretty little ring(Bucky- I think they must be dating . This resulted in a snide remark from Mandy)_  
_Money(Parents)_

_Mandy_

_Perfume(Pinky)_  
_Shirt(Angie)_  
_Skirt(Christy)_  
_Very short skirt(Ted)_  
_Jeans(Parents)_

Don't they think she has clothing? All though I don't know if the cheer-leading uniform is large enough to qualify as clothes.


	7. Kleptos and Karen's Obituary

Disclaimer: If I owned this , I would have a chocolate party. Sadly, I do not.

Kleptos and Karen's Obituary

**30th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm**

Melody has arranged a New Year's Eve party for us in her and Lola's dorm. Lola has offered to get us a teeny, tiny bit of alcohol for the night since its Melody's birthday tomorrow and Karen's next week. Ms Phillip and Galloway walked past as she said this, hand in hand(aww... old people love). No-one saw the slightest problem with giving two thirteen year olds and a twelve year old alcohol. I've given them their presents already. I hope they like chocolates.

Karen has finally stopped treating Sheldon like a dog, which is a relief because I can't help but think the collar was going a bit too far. However, it seems to have worked- Sheldon gave her a little present for her bithday next week.

**12.03pm**

Pedro is teasing Sheldon about his "girlfriend".

**12.15pm**

Melody has just said at least Sheldon could get a girlfriend. Why do those two sit together when they insist on insults and kicking each other under the table(I know because one of them missed and kicked me the other day. Luckily, it was Pedro so it didn't hurt).

**12.16pm**

Pedro and Melody have made a bet- first one to get kissed wins. If Pedro wins, Melody has to wear Aquaberry for a month. If Melody wins, Pedro has to kiss Eunice. I think we may need to arrange for both of them to get some counselling.

**3.30pm**

Talked to Const about the bet. We have extended this little bet: if Pedro wins , Const has to keep up being the Bullworth mascot for the rest of the year. If Melody wins, I have to join the cheer-leading squad. I think this is a pretty safe bet, since Melody has been taken under Lola's flirty wing. Const says that Pedro has already kissed someone before. He won't tell me who, though.

**10pm**

In Lola and Melody's room making new years resolutions:

_New Years Resolutions_

_Me_

_1. Stop nail biting._  
_2. Maintain dignity._  
_3. Get Karen to stop calling Const my "boyfriend"._  
_4. If that fails, don't try to think of a good place to hide Karen's body._  
_5. Stop gambling._  
_6. Don't sit doing my library two minutes before it's due, cursing the world and everyone in it because I didn't start sooner._

_Karen_

_1. Learn how to do a roundhouse kick (I must warn Sheldon not to annoy her)._  
_2. Get a haircut or a hat to play sports at Bullworth._  
_3. Improve track time._

_Lola_

_1. Buy new jacket._  
_2. Get someone to buy her a new jacket(she has a wonderful work ethic)._

_Melody_

_1. Get a jacket.  
2. Buy lipstick._  
_3. Learn how to walk in heels._

I think Lola has a protogee.

**11pm**

I don't know how anyone can enjoy drinking vodka. It tastes like paint stripper.

**1am**

Stomach's killing me. I think the vodka may actually have been paint stripper.

**1st January**

Dear Nosey Parker,

_New years Resolutions: 6.  
Resolutions kept: 2._

**8am**

The new year is upon us. I'm giving up my vices from this day forward. No more falling over, no more murderous thoughts and no more making an idiot of myself.

**2pm**

Just fell over. Perfect.

**2.05pm**

Bumped into Const while out with Karen. She will probably be torturing me for the next five minutes .

**2.06pm**

Having evil thoughts involving Karen's head and a blunt object.

**2.07pm**

Have successfully broken four of my new year's resolutions.

**2.10pm**

Apparently Karen and Sheldon are also involved in the bet. Crabblesnitch needs to do something about all the underage gambling in this school.

**5th December**

**10am**

Just got homework from Hattrick. I can believe Pedro about him being a sniper in the Korean War- he looks like he wants to shoot every last one of us. Why do people like him work in schools when they don't like children? For a maths teacher, his logic is strange.

The homework is trig. Hattrick said we must do it the moment we get to the dorms. I'll do it later...

**8th December**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**9.54am**

Have broken the resolution about not sitting in the library doing my homework 4 minutes before it's due, cursing the world and everyone in it because I didn't start sooner. At least its not just me- Karen, Pedro, Melody and Sheldon are here too.

**12pm**

Pedro has just strode in saying he has won the bet. He won't tell us who it was though.

**12.03pm**

Melody says if he won't tell us who, it doesnt count.

**12.20pm**

After fifteen minutes of Melody and Karen arguing like an old married couple, Karen shouted "I'm ending this madness!" before grabbing their heads and banging their mouths together. I shall get a speech ready for her funeral.

**12.21pm**

Melody is arguing that the kiss didn't count because it was only touching lips.

**1pm**

Karen has taken a dictionary out during English and made Melody read the definition of "Kiss: the practice touching someone's lips with your own to display affection" . I have already thought up her obituary:

_Karen's Obituary_

_Karen Johnson._

_Aged 13._

_Loving friend of Gloria and carer of Sheldon._

_If only you'd had the sense you were born with._

**10th January**

**4.35pm**

Just saw Hopkins cycling down the street as though his life depended on it the street while that fat man who owns the Comic shop had an asthma attack. I went and hit him on the back to stop him spluttering, but he kept saying "that freakin' klepto!".

Hopkins really is an idiot. Who steals something worth $5? It seems a bit of a pointless exrcise if you want my opinion. Do you? Of course you do. You wouldn't be reading this diary if you didn't.


	8. Snowballs and Saving Private Watts

**Hiya ! I got a lovely surprise a few days ago when I got several reviews , so thank you to those people .**

**Thanks for reading .**

**Disclaimer : I own nothing .**

******Snowballs and Saving Private Watts**

**12th January**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**10am**

Pedro and Melody are too embarrassed to talk to each other . Peace at last !

**12pm**

When I walked into the canteen I heard Edna saying that Dr Watts makes her go "gooey" inside and asking Jimmy Hopkins to get some sedatives for her . Maybe I should go warn Watts ...

**3pm**

Went to warn Dr Watts , but he thought I was Beezlebub , so he wouldn't listen to me .

Karen asked if i want to go to out to town with her for a bit . I have nothing else to do , so maybe it will help me to get over the trauma of hearing Edna's desire for Dr Watts' bald head . If Pedro or Sheldon ever want to become skinheads , I will prevent it at all costs .

**4pm**

Just seen Jimmy Hopkins rummaging about in the bins in an alleyway . Edna's food isn't that bad (Bloody Hell , I never thought I'd say that !) . Even the homeless man is looking at him like he's a bit mad .

**6pm**

Met a slightly bruised Const on the way home . He wouldn't tell me what happened . Karen started again with the "boyfriend" thing . I wonder what the minimum sentence for manslaughter is .

**8pm**

Dr Watts is having a coffee with Edna ! Karen has ran off for help . I just saw Edna put something in his coffee , so I think he may need it .

**8.13pm**

I have done the best thing I could to rescue Dr Watts . I told some passing older kids what I'd seen . In a few minutes , Watts should be free , judging from the rate of the snowballs .

**8.24pm**

I can hear Edna screaming . Run Dr Watts ! Run while you still can !

**8.35pm**

Some idiot keeps throwing stones at us ! Can't he see we're trying to save Dr Watts from have to kiss Edna , or worse ! Oh God , that poor , poor man .

**8.44pm**

Someone just whacked me in the eye with a snowball . Watts had better do something good when we get him out of this mess . Make a hair regrowth potion nd save countless men from Edna's advances .

**9pm**

Bugger ! Edna's went off with Watts . I can't say I didn't try . He was a good man (even if he did think I was the devil half the time) and my thoughts are with him at this most difficult time .

_Dr Watts' Obituary_

_You thought we were Satan ._

_We thought you were high ._

_Your misfortune shall not be forgotten ._

**13th January**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**10am**

Dr . Watts came to Chemistry this morning a broken man . It's not the same making copper sulphate without him trying to exorcise Pedro .

**12pm**

Me and Sheldon are having a whip-round for Dr Watts . One prep gave us $50 when we explained . Lola got her boyfriends to contribute too . she got about $130 . Maybe if I ever fancy a boy , I should listen to her advice . She could probably charm the pants on to Russell Brand

**3pm**

Ms . Phillips has lost her perfume and she is not happy . She keeps making voodoo dolls of Hattrick . Karen's bought three .

**4pm**

Dr Watts won't take the whipround , calling us "foul minions of Satan" . There's no pleasing some people . We've left it just in case .

**14th January**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**9am**

Hattrick spent all of Maths asking which "little vandal" broke his windows last night . Hopkins is looking very happy today . I was the only person to notice a link . Hattrick's logic really is useless .

**1pm**

Overheard the blond prep complaining about his dismal Biology grade .

**1.11pm**

Just heard the following as I walked past Biology :

_Dr . Slawter : There are two sides to Biology , boy . Life ... and death . Do I make myself clear ?_  
_Hopkins : Very clear , Sir . You want me to kill Derby Harrington . I'll get right on it ._

I shall be very well behaved in Biology from now on .


	9. Slushy Stuff and Secret admirers

**Me again ! Thank you to all of you lovely reading this , you lovely people , you . Reviews are very much appreciated .**

**Disclaimer : i own nothing . I regret nothing .**

**Secret admirers and Slushy stuff**

**9th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**4pm**

Just saw Hopkins and Johnny Vincent whizzing past me and Karen on the bikes , along with several other greasers . I'm surprised there isn't smoke coming off the wheels with the speed they were going at . I'm guessing that Johnny ill win , because one of the greasers keeps punching Jimmy as he rides by .

**8pm**

Lola's telling us about a race between Johnny and Jimmy . Apparently Jimmy won , so lola let her kiss him . I henestly don't know why anyone would want to kiss that boy , regardless of how well he cycles . He still has an attitude and an ugly face .

We also learnt from Lola that if you a boy that you like it when he gets angry , he'll calm down . Don't ask me to explain that logic .

**13th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**11pm**

Everyone's acting in a very slushy fashion in preperation for tomorrow . Personally , I don't get the concept of sending anonymous cards to people you like . If you ask me , they should write their names in , or at least a phone number .

**4pm**

Have just seen Const . To my horror , he was writing out a valentines card . Where's the moody pessimist I know and love . Well , not love as such . "Like" would be more appropriate . I like Const , but I don't love him . Oh damn , that just sounds like I'm in denial , which I'm not .

I hope Karen nevers sees this .

**5pm**

I have bought a few cheap valentines to predvent any upset friends tomorrow .

_People I have bought Valentines cards for _

_Const (I really hope Karen doesn't find this)_  
_Karen_  
_Pedro_  
_Sheldon_  
_Melody_

**14th February**

_Valentines cards given out : 5_  
_Valentines cards received : 2 (one from Karen , and one signed "a secret admirer" . I recognised the writing . It's not very secret anymore)_  
_Valentines cards my friends received : 2(Karen , 2 (Pedro) , 2 (Melody) , 1 (Sheldon - just as well I bought him one)_

**11pm**

There is a pink gravy-stained envelope on Dr . Watts' desk for "Wattsy" . I wonder if I should hide it to save him the trauma .

**11.30pm**

Dr . Watts found the card five minutes ago . He has yet to stop shaking .

**12pm**

Me and the girls are examining each other's Valentines cards in the hope of deciphering them . One of Melody's looks a bit like Pedro's handwriting . She says she didn't send any out . Oh dear .

**4pm**

Const is smiling , which suggests that the end of the world is near .

**4.11pm**

After several minutes of coaxing , Const pulled out a cheap Valentines card from his bag . I hope he doesn't recognise my handwriting , or the next five minutes shall be supremely awkward .

**4.13pm**

The boy who insists on pink shirts (I think his name is Patrick or Pete or something) is arguing with Algie . Apparently , the nerds don't want him because he's "weird" . I can't imagine how awful that must be to hear from an obese fifteen year old who still wets himself .

**4.15pm**

According to Algie , the nerds are above helping Jimmy Hopkins . How far has that boy stooped ?

**16th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**3.45pm**

Algie has just told Jimmy Hopkins "don't get fresh with ya homies " . He lost me at "brethren" .

**18th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**12pm**

I've just seen Hopkins going into the girl's dorms . I wonder how long it will be before Mrs . Peabody kills him .

**12.13pm**

Just saw Hopkins come out of the dorm alive and unharmed !


	10. 16 yo writers and serious addiction

**Hiya ! Hopefully this is OK . Review are very much appreciated . The problem page letters are based on actual letters to agony aunts .**

**Disclaimer : I own nothing .**

**Sixteen year old writers and Serious gambling addiction**

**17th Febrary**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**12pm**

Melody has just told us that there's going to be a big fight tonight over Lola . You'd think she'd just choose someone . I've bet $10 on the greasers . So has Melody . Pedro has bet on the preps . Sheldon has bet that neither of them will win . Ha !

**18th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

_Money spent gambling : $15 (I wonder how old you have to be to join Gambling Addicts Anonymous ?)_

**3pm**

Melody's face leads me to believe that I am now $10 out of pocket .

**4pm**

Pinky is in our dorm telling us how all her clique has been beaten up because of "that tramp ! " . So who won ?

**5pm**

Melody has just got the results of the fight from Lola . Sheldon is now very rich . I'm never gambling again .

**6pm**

Just bet on the big game next month .

**7pm**

I have just read my diary so far . Have concluded the following :

_Conclusions based on the diary_

_My teachers are insane_  
_My friends are insane  
Most of the school is insane__  
Hopkins is a brazen hussy_  
_I have a gambling problem_

I shall go to the library tomorrow to get help for my problem .

**19th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**8am**

I have borrowed the following books from the library :

_Books from the library_

_Gambling : I bet you've got a problem_  
_Gambling addiction and you_  
_Underage betting_  
_Les Miserables , aka "The Wretched Ones" , "The Miserable" or "The Unfortunates"_ (I needed cheering up)

**3pm**

I've just bumped into Const , whose mindless optimism has finally worn off . I was getting a bit worried there - it's not natural for a boy to smile during Gym .

**9pm**

According to the books , the first step is to admit I have a problem . The way to do this is by taking a deep breath and saying "My name is Gloria , and I have a gambling addiction " .

**9.01pm**

I've said it . Karen is looking at me strangely . So is Mandy , but I think that might just be the way her face is .

**21st February**

**11am**

Just had the following letters for my vocabluary assingment : G , A , M , B , L , E . It's times like this when I think that my life is just a big story being wrote by a sixteen year old girl thinking of ways to make my life miserable and laughing her head off at my misfortune .

**12pm**

Just slipped on a banana peel in the middle of the canteen . If the sixteen year old girl is real , she hates me .

**22nd February**

**5pm**

I've just bought a teen girl magazine to take my mind off gambling .

**5.04pm**

Just found this on the problem page :

_Dear Diana ,_  
_I've never been asked out by a guy . I don't understand what's wrong with me, and why guys don't like me . I've got a few male friends , but no one wants to date me . Is it the way I look ? B , aged 16_

_Diana says : Looking at the enclosed photo ,probably . If you use a picture of yourself with no make-up , your hair like a frighted hedgehog and clothes my gran wouldn't be seen dead in , no guy is going to date you . Do your hair, put some lip gloss on and make some bloody effort._

Well , that's brilliant for the poor girl's self esteem , isn't it ?

**5.10pm**

Just found this :

_Dear Diana ,_

_My boyfriend is so possessive . He went ballistic when he saw me kissing his best friend and now he complains when I flirt with guys in front of him . The other night a guy asked if I wanted to go to the cinema with him , and my boyfriend led me aside quietly and said that even though he loves me , he hates it that I flirt with other men and please could I not do it . Laura aged 15_

_Diana says : This boy is a control freak . Tell him that you are a free woman and can do what you like ._

I am never reading a problem page again .

**29th February**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**10am**

Just realised I haven't bet for 10 days . Yay !


	11. Const's mascot uniform and Cooking tips

**Hiya! Hopefully this is ok. Sorry it took so long.**

**Disclaimer : I own nothing.**

**Const's mascot uniform and Cooking tips**

**8th March**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**12pm**

In his excitement over the big game , Pedro has forgotten his pledge to not eat the school food. I give it three minutes before he's really ill.

**12.04pm**

Pedro has just been sick. Mr. Luntz is clearing it up whilst mumbling about "just you wait and see what I'm planning, kid."

**12.06pm**

Eunice has just slipped on the freshly mopped floor, dropping her dinner tray and leaving another fine mess for Mr. Luntz. Is it any wonder he wants to kill us?

**1pm**

Pedro is starting to feel a bit better, although i doubt his digestive system shall ever truly recover.

Just in case Edna is the nosey parker reading this, I've put a few cooking tips in here.

_Cookery Tips for Edna_

_The chicken in the chicken and ketchup should be dead . Not unconsious , not wounded , dead ._

_If it winks at me , I'm not eating it ._

_However much icing you put on the burnt cake, it is still burnt. Make another one._

_Please read the sell-by dates. They are there for everyone's safety and happiness. The same goes for recipies._

_Stop assuming that because gravy is brown , we won't notice the difference when you run out of chocolate for desert._

_Buy a bigger fruit bowl. 7 bananas and 5 apples will not feed the entire school._

_When using a needle to test if a cake is fully baked, please stop using the surgical ones you find on the street. The last lime you did, there was still something in it and Sheldon started hallucinating about swedish, violin-playing, tigers._

_Vegetarians are not evil. They just don't eat meat._

_The food groups are vegatables, proteins , carbohydrates, dairy and sweet/fatty foods, not edible, sort-of edible and probably-won't-kill-me._

**10th March**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**8pm**

Beatrice is refusing to do Mandy's homework on the grounds that a first year could understand it .

**8.03pm**

Mandy has just asked me how to do the homework .

**8.10pm**

Just explained Mandy's homework to her . A child of five could do it .

**8.12pm**

Mandy needs help again . Maybe I should just go get her a child of five .

**6th March**

_Rude photos I have seen today:6  
Times I managed to cover Karen's eyes before she could see them:4  
Times I couldn't cover her eyes in time and she started screaming:2  
People I saw oogling rude photos :14  
Times I recognised an oogler:5(Mr. Burton should be ashamed of himself)_

**4pm**

There are rude pictures of Mandy everywhere! Any last lingering shred of innocence I had is gone forever. I must warn Melody and the boys before they see this traumatic image.

**5pm**

Warned Pedro about the photos. For some reason,he's smiling.

**9pm**

The dorm is unnaturally quiet today. Beatrice keeps looking at Mandy and laughing.

**10pm**

Mandy has just told Beatrice to stop ******** laughing at her or else she will ******* **** **** into oblivion and ****** **** ************************* ! What's so wrong with the sentence "please stop laughing"?

**10.05pm**

Karen has only just managed to stop laughing at Mandy's colourful threat.

**11th March**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm**

Melody has asked if me and Karen want to sleep in her room for a bit because Lola has said that she doesn't want us to be negatively infuenced by Mandy. According to Melody, she actually said "I can't believe that ******** **** is allowed to ******** share with first years when there's pictures of her ******** **** all oer ******** Bullworth." .My vocabulary is getting considerably larger.

**12th March**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**3.15pm**

Just saw Hopkins spray-painting over the posters. Maybe I've misjudged him.

**15th March**

Dear Nosey parker,

**4.15pm**

Const isn't in the library because he has to practice the mascot dance for the Big Game. You'd think that the Academy would be able to think of something a bit more original than the Bullworth Bull.

**16th March**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**3.56pm**

Const has a black eye! He won't tell me what happened.

Trying to change the subject , I asked him about the Mascot thing. In response, he's went off in a huff. Typical .

**18th March**

Dear Nosey Parker ,

**11pm**

Bo has got me a front seat for the game. I'm going there a bit early to eat my dinner. Unfortunately, the cheer-leaders have insisted on buying me various merchandise for the game , that's Karen's Christmas present sorted out.

**21st March**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**11am**

Here it is - the day of the big game. Karen is dancing about like a mad woman. She's got the day off to watch practice with me (she did this by pretending to be ill when Mrs. Peabody came to check on her , then jumping out the window the second she left. hopefully, the bruises should heal eventually).

**12pm**

Melody has came down to watch the practice with us. Lola has donated three boxes of chocolates(courtesy of various boyfriends) to us. She really is a lovely woman.

**12.10pm**

Just saw Const in his mascot outfit. Waved but he's ignoring me. Twit.

**12.12m**

Const is putting glue on the bench!

**12.13pm**

Juri is stuck to the bench . I would've went to help, but last time I helped yank Pedro out of a bin I nearly put my back out, so I doubt I'd have been much use. Plus, he put Pedro in the bin in the first place so **** him.

**1.09pm**

There's been a technical error with the scoreboard . It now reads "Jocks play with their balls.". Like we honestly didn't realise that. Melody won't stop laughing.

**1.12pm**

It turns out that Jimmy somehow got hold of Const's uniform. He's now fighting the football team.

_Hopkins' Obituary_

_James Hopkins._

_Aged 15._

_Vandal,Womaniser and general annoyance._

_You have no one but yourself to blame for this._

**1.25pm**

I don't believe it. I don't believe it! Hopkins is still alive!

**1.30pm**

Ted Thompson is on the floor in a heap and Hopkins is doing a big victory speech. I still don't believe it!


	12. Mental Patients and Pigeons

**Hi! I'm so sorry that this took so long to upload but I've had prom to worry about, so I haven't had much time.**

**Disclaimer: Not my ingredients, I just like to make up the recipies.**

**Mental Patients and Particularly Dense Pigeons**

**1st April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**9am**

_Girls I have witnesses kissing Hopkins: 6(manwhore)._  
_Boys I have witnessed kissing Hopkins: 5. _  
_Girls who have expressed a desire to kiss Jimmy Hopkins: 1 (I can barely look at Melody)._  
_People fawning over Hopkins: Lots. _  
_People Hopkins has recently beaten up: Lots._

Hopkins has been ruling the school for a week now. It mystifies me that someone with the face of deformed monkey and half the IQ of a particularly dense pigeon could get into a position of huge authority, but I suppose that's politics for you. After all, we had George Bush for a good few years.

**10am**

Just saw the boy with the pink shirt running through the school gates shouting "Jimmy!". He took his time coming out of the closet, didn't he?

**12pm**

That blond prep boy is walking about with a manic grin on his face. For once in my life, I feel sorry for Pinky.

**3.20pm**

Just bumped into Melody. Apparently, Gary Smith is having a big meeting with the clique leaders. She also says that Smith is trying to take over the school while Hopkins is gone doing something stupid. No change there then.

On another note, I'm going to City Hall after school with Karen to research a project about local history for Mr. Wiggins. I think he might need a hearing aid- I asked him when it was due in and he answered me by saying "No, Gloria, I don't have the flu."

**4pm**

City Hall has "Hopkins" written all over it. I tell a lie- it actually reads "BullworthLess". What kind of idiot climbs all the way up there to write a pun that stupid? You'd think giving into account the putrid food, loose female population, insane teachers and fact that the caretaker is trying to kill us all that he would he would think of something better to write than that.

**5pm**

Just saw a tag that reads "jimmy wuz here". Well, at least his spelling was correct on the City Hall, although I wouldn't think that if I had to clean it off.

**8pm**

Mandy has just asked if I want to lend her straighteners. Am I the only person who doesn't understand the logic of ironing your hair?

**2nd April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**10am**

All of the older students now hate Hopkins, which is unfortunate for him but brilliant for me because I won't have to witness him kissing random girls all the time.

**10.03am**

Just witnesses Hopkins kissing Eunice. Why, God, why?

**3.27pm**

Just saw a rat in the library. Just as well I've had my jabs.

**3.40pm**

Mrs Carvin has noticed the rats. She is stood on a table screaming like a banshee.

**4th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

_Amount of pocket money receiced in the mail: $10_  
_Amount of pocket money spent on various equipment to block out the screaming in the library: $6_  
_Amount of money wasted: $6 (Fatty Johnson has the lungs of an opera singer!)_

**5.23pm**

I'm never buying anything from Pedro again. I'm wearing earplugs, earmuffs and two hats pulled over my ears, yet I can still hear screaming.

**5th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm**

Had a good, long moan to Melody. She was very symathetic because she was in the library the a few days ago and had to leave after three minutes. However, she managed to sell a few photos of Mrs. Carvin jumping up and down on the table mid-scream, so it wasn't entirely fruitless.

**4pm**

Melody has just came round with a pair of Lola's spare earmuffs. Unlike the ones I bought from Pedro, they actually, so she is now my favourite person in the world.

**6th April**

**4.13pm**

The library is now rat-free. Now I can study in peace without hearing Algernon Papodopolous (try saying that ten times quickly) screaming.

**10th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12.43pm**

Just saw some random man running out of the Gym screaming "I regret nothing!". When did the academy start accepting mental patients again?

**11th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**9am**

According to Sheldon, Johnny Vincent has been sent to Happy Volts. Melody and Karen are in mourning. Perfect- now I have to hang out with Mandy.

**3.41pm**

It turns out Mandy is also in mourning. Beatrice is in the library making up for lost time, so any chance of an intelligent conversation has jumped out of the window in a panic. I'm sure that there's a bunch of people laughing at me somewhere.

**5.12pm**

Mandy must be absolutely distraught. She hasn't insulted anyone for three minutes!


	13. Really bad movies and Random Bell Towers

**Hiya! I know this took a ridiculous amount of time, so sorry about that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gloria.**

**Really bad movies and Random Bell Towers**

**13th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**10am**

According to Melody, Johnny has somehow got out of Happy Volts, which is a relief bcause if Mandy hadn't cheered up, I might have slapped her. Apparently, he went straight to Lola. Wait- wasn't that how he got in there in the first place?

**14th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**3.55pm**

Karen has bought tickets to the film version of "Dawn", the horrible she bought near Christmas. She is insisting I go with her, despite my opinion that "Dawn" is a horrible book with wooden characters, a paper thin plot, too much description and awful grammar. I would rather eat Edna's food for a week.

**3.59pm**

Actually, that's not a bad idea. If I get ill from Edna's food, then I won't have to go to the film. That said, I think I may have difficulty with the stew surprise, especially considering how upset Ms. (Not Miss) Phillips was when her last cat "went missing".

**15th April**

**12pm**

Dinner is here. Time to put my brilliant plan into action before

**12.14pm**

I can't do it. I can't eat something that cries out when I put my fork in it.

**20th April**

_Money spent on making "Dawn" into a film: $12billion_  
_Money spent on Ryan Porter's hair products: $5 billion_  
_Money spent on Karen Scott's acting lessons: Nothing_  
_Money that should have been spent on Karen Scott's acting lessons: Lots_  
_Money spent on tickets: $10_  
_Money I might as well have rolled up, set fire to and tried to smoke: $10_  
_Mental Note: Never let Karen talk you into anything again. Ever!_

Dear Nosey Parker,

**5pm**

**Just went to see "Dawn" with Karen. I don't know what annoyed me more; the film, the teenage girls squealing in front of us, or the 40 year old women screaming in front of them. Sarah Miller should never have been allowed access to a pen.**

**21st April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**10am**

Jimmy Hopkins has been expelled. He wasn't that annoying!

**24th April**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**3pm**

Mandy has offered to pluck our eyebrows, so me and Karen are planning to escape to the park.

**4pm**

At the park with my eyebrows intact.

**4.10pm**

Hopkins is outside one of the port-a-potties driving a lawnmower towards the port-a-potty. The strange look on his face leads me to believe that the thing isn't vacant.

**4.12pm**

Just saw a port-a-potty falling down a hill. For the sake of the person screaming inside it, I hope it was flushed.

**4.13pm**

Just heard Mr. Burton commenting that he "didn't even eat corn today" which leads me to believe that the port-a-potty was not flushed. Normally, I would feel horrid. But... it's Mr. Burton, so I can laugh all I want.

**1st May**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**12pm**

The school has gone mental! There's a huge war going on bewtween all the clique. I've even seen Pedro punch someone! I shall cherish that image forever.

In other news, a half-constructed bell-tower has suddenly appeared on campus for no apparent reason, with no builders who could have made it. This place gets madder each day.

**12.02pm**

Pedro is stuck in a bin. It's his fault for punching Juri.

**12.23pm**

Finally managed to pull Pedro out of the bin with Karen's help. Karen is now fighting her cousin Fatty. I never thought I'd see a thirteen year old girl roundhouse kick a nerd.

**1pm**

Pedro and Melody are fighting. Melody is winning. I imagine Pedro will be dead in a few minutes.

**1.11pm**

Managed to pull Melody off Pedro. Remarkably, I'm still finding time to write during all this!

**2.03pm**

Jimmy Hopkins has arrived with Russell and some other people. Just heard him say the following:

"_It's America! We go in there with threats and bribes until we get what we want. If all else fails, we beat the crap out of everyone._"

I wondered if he's ever considered going into politics?


	14. Nicknames and a new girl

**Hiya! I'm sorry this took a while to add to, but my computer hates me with a vengeance.**

**Disclaimer: Not my chemistry class, but I like to blow stuff up in here.**

**Nicknames and A New Girl **

**2nd May**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**8am**

A new girl has popped up for no apparent reason. For some reason, she insists on wearing a bright orange skirt.

**9am**

The new girl's in my biology class. From when I've heard her talk, her name is Zoe she apparently thinks that everyone is a poser but her. She apparently hasn't noticed that she is steel toed boots with lace gloves in a classroom which consists of Hopkins, me, and various nerds.

**10am**

Mr. Burton has been fired. Mandy is holding a sleepover to celebrate, so me and Karen are escaping to Melody's dorm tonight.

**11.47am**

Jimmy Hopkins has been re-instated in Bullworth. He's celebrating by kissing the new girl very publicly.

**12pm**

I wish I still had the water pistol. Hopkins is still kissing the new girl, although I can't think what she getting out of it.

**4.35pm**

In the library chatting with Const. Apparently, he's having girl problems, which is making him more of a pessimist than ever. Surprisingly, the library isn't at all fire damaged.

**4.56pm**

Karen saw me leaving the library and has been teasing me mercilessly ever since.

**4.57pm**

I will not kill Karen, I will not kill Karen, I will not kill Karen...

**5.23pm**

Having decided enough was enough, I told Karen that Const had confided in me that he actually fancies a girl he's friends with, but she won't give him the time of day. Poor Const. If I knew who that floozy was, I'd give her a piece of my mind and hope she choked on it.

**6pm**

Because there's an extra girl here now, the rooms are getting moved about a bit. Me and Beatrice are moving in with Lola, Mandy is getting Pinky, Angie and Christy, and the last room is being shared by Karen, Zoe and Eunice, who still calls Jimmy her "main squeeze". This should be very interesting.

**6.32pm**

Me and Beatrice are moving our things from our old room to Lola's.

**6.33pm**

Lola is bouncing about our new room like a rabbit on drugs. According to Melody, she thought she was going to end up with Mandy.

**7pm**

I can hear the cheerleaders giggling next door about the new girl's skirt because it looks "tarty". I'm so glad to be part of such a loving, nonjudgmental school.

**7.11pm**

Just realised that I've left my book of Oscar Wilde quotes in the cheerleader room. Judging from experience, they will now be halfway through the bit where they plaster slop on their faces to make their skin nice. Just in case they try and make me do it:

_To Karen, Sheldon, Pedro, Melody and Const_

_If I don't live, I loved you all. On another note, get your faces out of my diary!_

**7.20pm**

Out of the cheerleaders room alive and relatively untraumatised. Now, to wash the slop off my face.

**7.23pm**

The new room arrangement is going quite well. For some reason, Lola has taken to calling Beatrice "Baz". Beatrice doesn't seem quite sure if she likes it or not. She also calls Melody "Mel", and apparently there is no short name for "Gloria". I'm feeling a bit left out.

**8pm**

Melody pointed out I didn't have a nickname, so now she's calling me "Glo". I sound like cheap body glitter.

**9pm**

Zoe has just been at the door asking for a book. I lent her Romeo & Juliet before introducing all of us. Unfortunately, Melody introduced me before I had a chance to do it myself, so now Zoe is calling me "Glo" too. I hope it doesn't stick.

**3rd May**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**7pm**

The girl's dorm is a total mess. There's a tag in bright green saying "Pinky, call me". I don't know how she's meant to do that- the idiot hasn't wrote a number. Wait, weren't the greasers in here? Lola is not going to be happy.

They've also wrote "Johnny Rulz". I wish the people here would learn how to spell here- no wonder Mr. Galloway loves "tea" so much. Thankfully there is some spray paint left...

**10pm**

I have just vandalised. The tag now reads "Johnny Rules". Don't you judge me.

**5th May**

Dear Nosey Parker,

**10am**

According to Karen, Zoe used to go to Bullworth, but got kicked out of the school because Mr Burton was hitting on her, and her boyfriend Hopkins got her back in. So... she got kicked out because a balding, ugly pervert fancied her... and then she got back in because a bald, ugly pervert fancied her. That's some very quaint logic.


	15. Insane relatives and odd incidents

Hi! I'm really sorry this took so long.

Disclaimer: Bully is not mine.

20th May

Dear Nosey Parker,

5pm

If you're reading this, then you're probably wondering where the hell I was for two weeks and why I didn't write anything, thus depriving you of the opportunity to shamelessly invade my privacy. In which case, I should probably explain that I was in sick bay for a while as a result of an unfortunate incident involving a spatula, peanut butter, a complete collection of Jane Austin novels and Miss Danvers' best teapot which was so traumatising that I cannot bring myself to write about it past this description. However, I will comment that Mandy's hair will never be the same again, and that there is now a rule prohibiting the act of impersonating a member of the Village People.

We break up in a few weeks. Due to problems with computers, me and Const have agreed to write letters and Karen is coming to stay for a few weeks. At my house. Then I'm going to hers. And we'll be going down Bullworth Vale every day for bike racing. I had no say in this arrangement. At all.

21st May

Dear Nosey Parker,

7pm

I've just received a letter from my mother saying that my inexplicably french/japanese/irish/south-american cousin Marianna Suzzana Renessa Scarlett Rain is staying over for a few weeks in the holidays. She seemed quite happy in the letter, despite having never previously mentioned her and seems utterly sure that I will love her. For some reason, she also felt need to tell me that she's part fairy and has several degrees from Harvard despite being sixteen. This evidence has brought me to make the following theories:

_Theories_

_My mother has gone totally mad._

_My mother wrote the letter on LSD._

_The letter is not from my mother at all, but a professional hoaxer._

_Some omnipotent being is controlling my every move, is psychologically torturing me for their own personal amusement and is probably laughing at me right this second._

I'm leaning towards Theory Number One. My mum isn't streetwise enough to get hold of drugs, so I can get rid of Two. Three is possible, I suppose, but if Number Four was accurate, than chances are that by now, Jimmy Hopkins would have kissed an old lady in front of me, Edna would be pregnant, and the new maths teacher would have got into a cat fight with the new gym teacher over Neil's affections.

For homework over the holidays, I have been given the following so far:

_Art: Project on the essence of what it is to be a banana._  
_Biology: Kill at least one botanical specimen from Harrington House._  
_English: Two hundred words on foreshadowing._

23rd May

Dear Nosey Parker,

1pm

The prefects have taken over kitchen duty as Edna is ill, which seems odd as Mandy thinks she's have gotten larger recently. The food's better, but judging from Pedro's black eye, our diet's are going to become far more strict in all senses of the word.

Dear Nosey Parker,

8am

Christy says that Edna is popping in today. Perhaps now I'll be able to eat my meals without being tackled for using too much salt.

12am

I was walking past chemistry and heard Edna in there chatting to Dr. Watts. Unfortunately, I only heard snippets, including "coffee", "yours" and "kid". Then I heard a long scream. I hope everything's OK.


	16. Nosey Parker fights back

Sorry this took so long. I know I take forever.

By the way, if anyone has the time I have a poll up. Would really appreciate feedback.

Disclaimer: Just in case anyone thought the last fifteen disclaimers were a joke, this isn't mine.

Chapter 16: Nosey Parkers fight back

1st June

Dear Nosey Parker,

9. 17am

Just sat down to English to find JHXGV carved into my desk. Can someone please tell me why people like Hopkins? Please? Anyone?

On a lighter note, Mr. Galloway is off today, so we're watching something called Billy Madison. Fom what I can tell, it is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard.

11.34am

Trying to watch the film, but Jimmy Hopkins is at the window with Christy. Does anyone know where I can find a shotgun? Please? I'll pay.

5pm

Found Dr. Watts crying in the Chemistry lab. Tried to cheer him up, but he just threw a crucifix at me and screamed. Some people have no manners.

4th June

Dear Nosey Parker,

12pm

Lola and Mandy are currently killing each other verbally in the dining hall. My vocabulary has just got a little larger. Johnny is fuming in the corner because about five boys went over when Lola faked crying.

25th June

3pm

Lola's in our room actually crying all over Beatrice's dress. Apparently, the greasers won't talk to her and Johnny won't take her back after dumping her. Beatrice is currently trying to cheer her up by saying she can play Grottos and Gremlins with her later, but that's just making her cry more. There's no pleasing some people. It probably doesn't help that Mandy won't shut up about it and the gossips coming through the wall.

3.02pm

I can't look at Lola because her makeup is running down her face and now she looks like a sad clown. She looks broken.

3.24pm

Lola has finally cheered up. She's just had a conversation with Beatrice while straightening her hair(Beatrice had the sense not to fight back). She's just said that she's going to try to go without guys for a bit because they're nothing but trouble. Beatrice and her have now sworn off boys for the next three months.

I have to go now because Lola's just looked at me and said "Gloria, are you writing down our conversation!"

10pm

Can't sleep because Mandy is gossiping next door(loudly) about how she thinks Johnny and Lola have broke up again. Apparently, Angie thinks he'd go nicely with Beatrice, and they're now all laughing very loudly. Fortunately, Lola's busy pouting at the mirror and Beatrice is making notes, so no one really cares.

30th June

Dear Nosey Parker,

Here you go. All those months of reading my diary, and I've finally got something interesting to tell you. Never saw that coming, did you? Just when you were ready to give up, dip this book in gravy and throw it to alsations after swearing never to invade a yound girl's privacy again, something interesting has finally happened.

Edna's pregnant! This is a total shock to the school(I thought she was transgender), but apparently she's quite far gone. We're guessing she got pregnant sometime in December, making her very close to having it. People have suggested the following names for it:

_Names for Edna's baby_

_Wattsy. _  
_Devil Child. _  
_Evil destroyer of words. _  
_Bob the Troll. _  
_Watts Jr. _  
_Trevor._

We're now currently betting on the father. I have $4 on Hopkins.

**1st July**

**Dear Gloria,**

**Thanks for giving us a good laugh.**

**Yours and laughing,**

**A nosey parker,**

**P.S- Why are you so obsessed with Hopkins' lovelife? Jealous?**

2nd July

To the specific nosey parker who wrote the note above,

When I find out whose handwriting that is, I will destroy you.

Yours and seething with rage,

Gloria

P.S- You have _got_ to be kidding me.

3rd July

6pm

Dear Nosey Parker,

If you're reading this, it means that you broke into my room and stole the key for the padlock. I hope you're proud of yourself.


	17. The End Is Coming

Hello! I'm so sorry this took so long. This is unfortunately the last chapter of this story, but I may put up a sequel depending on what you guys think.

Disclaimer:

_Dear Nosey Parker,_

_Today I was informed that I am actually a character in a computer game and am being controlled by a British sixteen-year-old writing stories about me under a pretentious pen name. Naturally, I was shocked. However, said sixteen-year-old has promised to give me some control over my own life during the holidays if I write her disclaimer for her: She doesn't own me, my life or my associates. Instead, she has informed me that I belong to a company by the name of Rockstar._

_Gloria, the unfortunate being whose life Madame Apathy is toying with mercilessly for your amusement._

Chapter 17: The End Is Coming

3rd July

Dear Nosey Parker,

10am

Angie and Christy are knitting some baby clothes for Edna's spawn. Not entirely why they've knitted three legs and four arms. maybe I should knit some more anatomically correct clothing.

12pm

According to Beatrice, Petey Kowalski has been made Head Boy. Earnest was apparently hoping for the position and isn't happy.

4th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

11am

Just accidentally held Const's hand when I was reaching for a book and now he's looking at me funny.

11.05am

Const has went back to his book and is furrowing his eyebrows in the usual way that actually looks quite cute. Thank Heavens.

11.10am

Const just glanced back over and asked what I was staring at. I looked away, but my cheeks are now on fire. I hope I'm not coming down with something. On another note, I begin knitting tomorrow.

5th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

8am

I have my wool at the ready. This is bound to be easy if Christy can do it. My knitting begins... now!

6pm

The knitting backfired and I've just spent six hours being untangled by Lola, Zoe and Beatrice. To hell with it, Edna can get her own baby clothes.

8th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

7am

Found out who fathered Edna's baby. I don't think I'll ever be able to look Dr. Watts in the eye ever again.

15th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

10am

According to Melody, we'll most likely end up in cliques next year. She thinks I'll be a nerd. A nerd. Me! Is she mad? I don't have a thing in common with the nerds.

12pm

Karen says the Jocks probably have dibs on me. Apparently they have a ritual to initiate people involving paintballs, rats and pear juice. Maybe the nerds aren't such a bad option.

20th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

9pm

The girls are talking about crushes. Melody has just accused _me_- yes, _me_- of having a crush on _Const_! Where on Earth did she get that idea? That's ridiculous. I just appreciate his intellect. And his frienship. And his big brown ey... Gah!

2am

I am not in love with Const I am not in love with Const I am not in love with Const.

2.01am

And that was not the first stage of denial.

2.03am

I do not fancy Const. That's for silly school girls, and Gloria Joanne Brakus is not some silly schoolgirl so preocupied with boys that she accidentally writes said boy's surname where her own surname should be.

29th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

12pm

Just heard someone say "28 days... 6 hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end." over the intercom. Unfortunately, Dr Watts heard and he's now under the desk shaking.

5pm

Sat in the library with Const and, to my horror, he is smiling. Maybe the end really is coming! At least it's a nice sm... No. I'm not getting into this again.

9pm

Melody came to me with a dilemma. Apparently she has this friend who's a good girl but is really attracted to a bad boy. Like a good friend, I forbade her from asking Hopkins out. I cannot allow her to inflict that upon herself.

30th July

Dear Nosey Parker,

_Yearly Review_

_Awkward conversations with Nurse McRay: 1._  
_Swear words learned from older girls: Lots._  
_Times irritated by lust-driven antics of Hopkins: At least 934._  
_Times actually did something about lust-driven antics of Hopkins: 1(good times)._  
_Number of times made a fool of self: Several._  
_Amount of dignity maintained: Fragments._  
_Times traumatised in makeup related incidents: Several._

So here we are. The end of the year. Shame really- I've grown a little fond of you, you filthy, privacy-invading person, you. It's all been good fun having you invade my privacy, but I'm afraid I'm off home for the holidays so I'm abandoning you for a bit. Perhaps next year I'll allow you another opportunity to read the sadistic story that is my life.

It's been a pleasure,

Gloria.


End file.
